Doctors

I generally avoid doctors at all costs.  I have found that, regardless of whether I have a hangnail or a broken arm, the answer I get generally involves "well, you need to lose weight".

Ok, firstly, no kidding.  I am fat.  Do you really think that all I needed was for you to point it out to me?  Oh my gosh, I never noticed, thank you so much!  I am going to go lose 10,000 lbs overnight and then you can treat the problem tomorrow when I come back all nice and skinny okay?

Secondly, do you really think that is how you can be most helpful?

So now that you have the background.

I woke up Thursday with a huge lump on my shoulder.  Being me, I figured I did not need to see anyone, it was just a bump and it would go away.  By Friday it was a bump that hurt.  Saturday it was so bad I actually called to book a doctor's appointment for later in the week.  first one I could get with my doctor was for Thursday.

Ok, I could hold out to then.

Woke up sunday morning and could not turn my head.  Called the doctors office and asked to see someone, anyone, ASAP.  They got me in to see a new doctor in the practice for later that afternoon.

now, this story is not about her.  Truth be told, I like her and will likely keep using her as I like her more than my old doctor, and since she is new it is way faster to get an appointment.  No this is the story of a different set of doctors.  2 sets in fact.

She sent me to the emergency room.  I got there, checked in and went to the nurse.  Everything was fine except for the fact that I had really high blood pressure.  Now, I know from experience that my blood pressure has always been on the low end.  I am fat, I am not hypertensive.  Well, I was for like 2 days once infection set in before my daughter was delivered, but generally no infection, no high blood pressure.

I spent the rest of my er visit hearing about the my high blood pressure (even though the nurse also told me that if I knew it to be irregular than it probably was from infection/pain and to just have it taken again after just to be sure).  So, not related to anything to do with why I was there the doctors order blood sugars taken.  Of course, if one is fat one MUST be diabetic.  Funny, although they did say it was high for fasting- I WAS NOT FASTING!  I had eaten a yogurt and had some juice less than an hour earlier.

Ok, they drained the cyst.  I told them I was pretty sure there was still junk in there, but they told me I was wrong.  Bandaged it so tightly I could not move my head, shoulder or neck and it was causing more pain than the cyst, and sent me home.

Went to the nurse the next day to change the dressing.  Seriously, 2/3 of the pain went away the minute she put on a normal dressing not pulled tight enough to create a slingshot.  she took my blood pressure as requested.  It was still above normal, but had dropped 30 ish points from the night before.  she took that as a sign it was pain related.  Cleaned the wound and whatnot, re bandaged it and let me go.

Ok, last night it really started to hurt again.  A lot.  Went back to my doctor who said it was not fully drained (can you say "I told you so"?) and sent me back to the ER.

Triage said blood pressure was high (but not as high as the first night), but other than that no problem.  They are putting me in to see an orthopedic surgeon.  Why orthopedic?  No idea, but that is what they did.  Told me it would be about 15 minutes.  an hour and 45 minutes later I saw the orthopedic surgeon long enough to have him rip off the bandage, poke it a bit, tell me not his problem, then watch him go yell at a nurse.

I am no in more pain than I was when I came in, have no clean bandage, and am at the bottom of the list for a regular surgeon.

Regular surgeon comes in.  you need bariatric surgery.  What is the problem today.  Oh, a cyst is because you are fat.  you need a lap band.  Lie down so I can clean this out.

While he was cleaning it out, he was going on about how I NEED it done.  I said I am working on things with my own doctor.  He laughed.  I said (while face down with him having a scalpel in my back) can we talk about this later?  He said no.  Now.  I need ot make sure you hear it.

Like I said, I am fat.  I know I am fat.  Is it an option?  Certainly- and maybe one that should be considered, but this is neither the time nor the place!  He demanded we make an appointment at his office for Monday- allegedly to look in on the wound, but I am nearly 1000000000000% sure I know better.  Unless there is a major problem, I will go to my own doctor and cancel the one I was forced into in another city!d not slept in for longer than 20 minutes at a shot in almost a week.

Oh, did I mentioned he also told me outright I was lying and he rarely thinks patients are right when I said I was not over concerned about a high ish blood pressure while I was in mass amounts of pain and ha

I am furious.  Not for being told I am fat- that is not really a secret, but for being held in a literal headlock while he told an otherwise healthy patient that she needs major surgery!  If I consider it, it will be after discussion with my doctor to see if it is the right option.  If I do it, it will not be because someone held me in a headlock until I agreed.

This is why I rarely go see a doctor even when I am in pain and probably should.  I have no idea how he thought this would help, but if not for a good GP I would likely stay away from a doctor next time I need one based on today.

A question from a forum I frequent

A question was recently posed on an internet forum that I frequent "Do ugly people know they are ugly".  I did not reply there, but in my head my answer was "Yes we do."  No I am not saying all fat people are ugly, but I feel like I am.  If I were to lose all my weight I am pretty sure I would still not be attractive. 

Someone posted that the only truly ugly people they know are ugly on the inside, and that maybe it was just cases of the outside reflecting the inside.  I certainly hope that is not true.  While I might not be pretty, I would hate to think it was because I was also an awful person!

Wow

Wow.

Went to an open air market in Tel Aviv this past week. Looked at a number of "one size fits all" skirts- some wrap-arounds, some broomstick like with elastic waists. On the other hand, only one stall guy was even remotely obnoxious about it.

Not one would have fit a leg, never mind both.

And I might add this is after introducing 40 minutes of quick walking a day into my life (we do not have a car here and I need to be a 20 minute walk away by 8:30 every morning and get home in the afternoon) that has none of my clothing staying up anymore and me starting to get desperate for a good seamstress!

In all seriousness, this not being able to get clothing in this country might be a problem much sooner than I expected.

Shalom Y'all

Well, my family and I have been in Bet shemesh for 5 weeks now. A little nutty to think about how fast this all happened.

I have received a number of emails asking me where I was and asking that I keep writing, so I am going to. To those groaning and asking why I am back, well- why are you here exactly?

So being fat and friendly in Bet Shemesh is a whole different ballgame from being fat and friendly in Toronto. For starters, there are a lot more people here who do not fit the standard mold. For starters, it seems that almost everyone and their sister's are pregnant. That certainly gives one a more "well rounded" view of beauty.

There does seems to be an easier understanding here that people come in different shapes and sizes. I have NEVER had any trouble here with turnstyles, seats and even plastic furniture. I have never been harrased or teased for my size, and the one time a child did say something the mother responded "so, and you have brown hair" (as in, that is juts part of who she is just like you are who you are).

On the other hand, I should admit that it is hard to stay overweight in a country built into a mountainous desert. For some reason, no matter where you are going, it is always 30 minutes directly uphill. This is not to say that everyone is skinny minies, but I will say clothing I bought just before I left Toronto is desperatly seeking a good tailor.

The flip side though, is that there is absolutly NO plus sized shopping- and there are "processing fees (that seem rather randomly assesed) on ANYTHING brought into the country ON TOP OF CUSTOMS AND TAXES. Yeah, you read that right. It totally and comepletely sucks.

The other things is that the medical sustems seems to try to hide the fact they are incredibly fatist behind a screen of "we know what this is becuase we see it all the time. Yeah, we blame the fact you are fat for everything from a hangnail to a broken nose, but it is not becuase we assume it is, we have seen enough to know that black eye you got from walking into a door was really your fat@$$ flipping up and hitting you in the eye... Ok, so I guess they got me there... ;)

Our stuff finally got here this week so I have set up my studio and today started filling orders and what not. My new studio is twice the space my old one was, with loads of natural light and I love it! It is awesome to be working again.

This country is gorgeous. I can not get over the views. The view from my balcony is to die for. (You can go to http://weloveyoubutwearegoinganyway.blogspot.com/2008/09/channah-on-her-first-day-of-school.html to see the view from our mirpeset (balcony). Public transit is reasonably priced and fairly efficient. Our apartment is lovely.

So far, other than the clothing issue, I have no complaints.

Oh, I should also add that one would think chub rub would be a huge problem with the heat here, but for whatever reason it is mostly non existant. Seriously. Non-issue. I think it is so hot people are essentially (serious tmi here folks) self lubricating.

Bad Google Ads!

This does not fall under "stupid comments" so much as it falls under "stupid web programs", but as I do not want to create a new tag that I will likely never use again, this is where I am sticking it.

I keep a regular journal over at livejournal (not hiding anything, if anyone is a member there and wants to find me I am under the name happyduck1979). I have what they call a "plus" account. Basically, I get some of the perks that the paid members have, but in exchange I have to see a few adds on my page. It really does not bother me in the slightest because I use adblock (a firefox extension) so I never actually see them anyway.

On that journal I have a link to this blog.

Google adds are what's called "targeted advertizing" and brings up ads based on words and links on a page. For example, if you have an entry on toasters, you might get an add for a kitchen supply store. Have a link to the weather? you might get an add for umbrellas. you get the picture.

A friend just let me know that for those who do have to see the adds, because I have a link to this blog "Fat and Feminine in Toronto" that uses the word fat, I am getting adds for weight loss products and weight loss centres! So I logged in to my journal with another browser, and there was an add, right at the top of my own journal, telling me that I should eat better to lose weight!

Now I did what it told me to for objectionable adds and reported it, but I have my doubts that it is going to do anything.

Ok, logically I can certainly see the connection between the two things. I type "fat" I get "lose weight" as an add- but there has got to be a way to get my journal to stop insulting me behind my back!

If anyone knows how to get rid of a seriously unwanted add please let me know.

comiing from my closet... (no, not like that)

So, it has been about 2 years now since I looked in my closet and realized it was darker than the biblical plague of darkness in there. It seemed that pretty much every piece of clothing I owwned was either black, navy or grey, with a couple of white shirts here and there to wear under other things.

It was depressing.

I realized that I was dressing mostly so that I would just fade into the darkness and no one would notice me. On the other hand, as my esteem was in the toilet and my head was only 2 inches above ground level most of the time, that seemed to fit.

As I slowly broke ground with my therapist, I realized that I had no reason to be hiding behind my clothes. Ok, I am fat. Ok, I am not going to win any modeling contests anytime soon, but I am a good person. I am a nice person. I am not some hideous monster who should never show her face in public... and certainly never look to have anyone notice her at all. I am good enough, I am smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me!

Yes ladies and gentlemen. I am a person who deserves to enjoy my life just as much as the next person. Maybe more than some.

But then came the problem. I had always been told that "people my size" should wear baggy clothing. Try to cover our "flaws". Dark colours were more "slimming". Patterns were too "overwhelming" when used in such large pieces. I realized that I only knew how to dress according to how others saw me. I did not know the first thing about dressing myself the way I wanted to be seen.

I had always been into the whole artsy-romantic-historical look. Did people actually wear stuff like that?

Funnily enough, I found they did. Yes, even fat people. And these were people who wanted to be noticed.

I started by not going to far outside my comfort zone. I had always worn broom stick skirts in the summer. Comfy, roomy, available in black- what more could I have asked for. So I bought one in bright royal blue with a slightly darker embroidered trim at the bottom. Wore it a few times, got used to wearing it with a pale blue shirt! (Pale blue is a colour that had never even entered my home before, let alone my closet!) Before I knew it, I had bought an vibrant haloween orange broomstick skirt with orange sequins and hunter green embroidered trim! I bought a headscarf to match, added a white shirt, and had my first "a whole new me" ensemble.

And I love it and I wear it all summer long.

Because I am an Orthodox Jew pants, shorts, sleeveless, backless etc. is just not an option for me. Totally not up for discussion. In some ways this makes life easier... no need to fight the inner "should I should my upper arms even though I hate the way they continue to wave hello after the rest of my arm has stopped" battle. On the other hand, it does give me a little less to work with as finding skirts that are nice, funky, washable, weather appropriate, and available in plus sizes is a bit of a tall order. Add to that the fact that I always wear a hat or head scarf of some sort (I do own a couple of wigs but hate wearing them so they get a lot of shelf time).

Over time I have managed to build up a set of "funner" clothing. I have a skirts in violet with beads and sequins, brown with velvet, a red white and blue paisley print and even in tie dye! I have an awesome ruffled poet shirt with a ribbon corset going down the front, some nice t shirts of varying sleave length in a number of different colours, and some really funky sweaters that I love for in the winter. I even own two turtlenecks... something I was told was an absolute "no-no".

Recently I even went so far as to start buying dresses. I picked up this amazing black jumper that has a front corset tied with a hot pink ribbon that I wear with a hot pink shirt. I have a wrap dress (ok, so that is black, but it has burgandy trim). I even looked at a dress with this bold, mod square pattern on it in black white and red (I decided though that I just could nto afford it right then so I had to walk away.

Even my footwear has gotten a little more exciting thanks to my sister. No more loafers 7 days a week. Now I have heels, ballet flats, boots, even a pair of fairly strappy sandals.

And today I was chatting with someone about a shirt I saw that I want really, really badly. She commented that she loved it, but would never have the courage to wear it. I realized that a year ago neither would I.

I also realized that overhauling my wardrobe is a big part of what has been happening to my overall self esteem. Sure there are still some bad days, but on the whole I am moving out of the "I am a terrible person because I am fat and should love a life of shame" to "I am a good person and that is independent of how I look and I deserve to live my life in the sun like everyone else".

I am not entirely sure if I am pulling my wardrobe or if it is pulling me, but either way it seems to be working for us both.

The Tables are turned

I was in a large plus sized shop the other day and I got the laugh of my life. A woman, clearly to small to belong in the store was browsing through the store and getting more and more frustrated as she could not find pieces in her size. She finally went up to the counter and asked if they carried smaller sizes. The woman behind the counter answered that their clothing only started at a size 14.

The woman through a fit! It was discrimination that they did not carry all sizes. IT was unfair that she should not be able to purchase the clothing in the shop in the size she wanted. The cuts were all too big on here and how was she supposed to take advantage of the sale going on when they had nothing that fit her.

Did they know that "average" (yes she used that word) sized people needed clothing at affordable clothing too...

Ok, so it never really happened... but could you imagine what would happen if it did? Think about what it would mean if every person, regardless of size, shape or gender had equal access to inexpensive and stylish clothing and was not regulated to needing to through a fit in order to have their needs met (all the while everyone else thinking they should just go else ware because they "do not belong").

I am a BUM by choice

My standard "uniform" over the summer is a skirt and a white t-shirt. Boring I know, but it works really well for me. I know... how the heck am I trying to maintain a fashion blog!

For years I have been buying t-shirts, finding one or two, some cheap, some expensive, liking them well enough, but never finding something I really love. Soon enough, I stain them with something at my workbench and out they go.

This week, I went to Walmart and bought not 1, not even 2 or 3, but 4 shirts, exactly the same, even the same colour.

I LOVE the plus sized BUM v-neck tshirts. The sleeves are just long enough to not feel like I am exposing too much upper arm flab, the v is nice and low without being too revealing, and the slight bit of stretch in them are incredibly flattering. They also wash like a dream. I bought a few of he 2/4 length ones almost 2 years ago and dthey still look brand new.

Now I need to find the money to buy a couple in every colour!

Ooooh, I got another write up :)

Anna Lee at SassyDLite has written a lovely write up about me, my blog, and my work. Thanks so much :) Feel free to go take a look at the review here, and do not miss the rest of her blog that has both her own work (some lovely jewelery in her own right!) and, gasp (!), Fashion finds available for Canadians!

Hi All

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