For a long time now I have felt literally subhuan because of the way that I look. Try as I might to accept the HAES pov, I just have not been able to believe that anyone ever saw e as anything other than a fat slob who, on occasion, might be able to put together a decent wardrobe.
So I don't know what to make of a recent story.
Not to long ago I was at a party for someone I love. I took the same level of care with my clothing and makeup as I would for any formal, special event. I even put in my contacts.
As a part of the party the guests were asked to provide the entertainment. Not being one for singing or dancing, I went with what I know- I wrote a poem. Even I will admit that I thought the poem was pretty good, but I figured it would end at that.
I come from a family of beautiful people, and generally prefer to hide in the background as much as possible, so as soon as I was finished I gave the guest of honour a hug and sat back down at my table.
Shortly thereafter another guest, one who I would consider among the most beautiful of the beautiful people and I were chatting. "You know," she said to me "when you were standing up there reading that poem with the light on you, I realized I must have never really looked at you before. You have such a beautiful face".
And there is it folks. Because of who it came from I am taking it as a complement, but that line "you have such a beautiful face" just screams the internal thought "if only you would lose the weight." I got the exact same comment a few days later from someone else.
Was it just that normally I hide behind my glasses and everyone around me and this is one of the only times I stood there on my own apart from everyone else- I would love to believe it and am really trying- but wasn't that also true on my wedding day? No one said anything then. Was it that I was speaking from my heart to someone I truly love? Also would have been true on my wedding day.
So why now? Why now when I feel worse about myself than I ever have in my entire life. I feel ugly and sad and broken. The compliment was amazing- made me feel like flying for a little while- but the more I go through time as a sadder me, the more people seem to be attracted to me than they ever were to the happy me.